i seriously hate today..

i hate tht my grandma left, tgt
with my mom back..
she cried, and i was still pretending
to be sleeping tht time..
i dont wanna cry infrnt of her...
im also hurt seeing her leaving..
whn i knew tht she was taking
the first few steps downstairs alr, i juz
strted to rush & see her.. bt i felt
more sad seeing her back &
white porcelain hair as she walked
down to the gate.. im v stupid!!!
i juz realized.. i couldhave said
'thank you' to her, frm the bottom of
my heart, for taking care of us..
for lecturing us whn we do bad..
for reminding us our house chores
as daughters of the family.. for the
nice dishes she always cook for
us during breakfast.. for the painstaking
patience she gave to us, as her naughty
grandaughters.. i couldhve
said so much things tht time b4 she
left.. i couldhve hugged her tight..
i couldhve spent tht littlest time
being wif her b4 we set apart agn..
IM DUMB! im seriously dumb!!!!
how cn i let this happen... how cn i
not show tht im grateful having her at
home!? tht,, it was soo much of a family
to me whn she's ard..

i alr admit to myself tht i hve only one
mother,, the one who took care of us
whn my real mother is nt ard.. & tht is
my grandma..she's the real mother to
me..& i first felt it whn she took tht role
once my mom worked overseas...
T-T i reali dont know now.. how much ill
change whn she's nt ard.. im so much
of a better person whn she's there to
guide me... i knw my parents wont give
tht much attention cz they are busy in
their own work.. & tht's the kind of
family im goin to face now... pressure..
stress.. dull.. i hope there cn also be love..
all i need is love.. im soo alone..

& whn she's gone..tht's whn i strtd to cry..
im so stupid right?... ya,, i deserve to feel
the pain.. for nt taking the opportunity to
express my feelings while she was still ard..
i hate myself..

& since gt band i nv hd to take her to the
airport...tht's more of unluckiness..
& more of it came during band.. i tried to be
myself.. as usual.. bt, i think i reachd the
limit, causing myself to be made fun of..
ya, its my fault falling... im so stupid! i
shdnt have tried to knock ur knees on tht
slippery corridor.. if nt i wouldnt hve slipped..
bt unluckily i did.. & was thankful tht u
helped me.... bt the most annoying part is whn
u & her strted laughing at me... i was like
bullied.. laugh at first, its ok..
coz ya, im stupid, i fell,, and i was trying to
laugh at myself too... bt as soon as it died, u &
her still kept recalling it... & do u knw how much
smaller i hve become bcoz of my stupidity
repetitively being bombarded to me? A LOT.
thn some more y'all laugh like im more
thn stupid,, like im some kind of a patient
escaped frm mental hospital or sth like tht..
like im hopeless..
i also got some feelings u knw.. i knw im
childish & cn always see me laughing & happy
all the time...bt,
i also knw how to be hurt.... & the most hurting
part is whn u kept asking me if im ok or nt..
why am i so sad, emo & all tht.. ya, i understnd
tht u are concerned abt me.. im thankful, myb
im juz so stubbborn & trying to be hard by
denying it... im sorry.. bt isnt it obvious?
tht im nt ok though im denying it... i dont knw
if u are juz confused,, or juz dont knw wht
reali happened to me, or juz dont dare to say
tht its bcoz of i fell juz now..bt im reali
dissapointd today.... coz u kept asking me,,,
although its obvious tht im acting weirdly bcoz
of wht u two did earlier on.. for making me look
evn more stupid frm tht painful laughs tht stung
me deeply, frm y'all.. & some more i dont knw if
u were reali concerned abt my arm or juz
making a joke out of it.. my arm was hurt,,
though i admit i was ok... i think i sprained
my shoulder blade coz its quite painful to raise
my flute up higher.. & ya, laugh at me, bcoz my
bones are brittle, bcoz im so skinny tht im
prone to fractures and all tht..laugh at me sum
more if you want..!!! evn though i cn say tht im
nearing to the point tht i know you, i still reali
dont knw wht kind of person you are.. wht kind
of friend am i to you.. or im juz someone u knw,
someone to accompany you, or juz someone you'll
eventually forget..i really dont knw.. & im sorry...
for nt knowing you better...
i juz couldnt hold it alr, & my patience had also
gt its limits.. sometimes i snap.. it would hve
been longer if certain things din happened like
this morning... i wouldnt hve taken these
things so seriously...sigh, im juz so out of
shape today...

& im sorry if ever i hurt your feelings
frm wht i wrote.. its always fair to knw the
reasons, i juz couldnt say it verbally,,
its better writing it..thts how i express
my own feelings...

& u knw wht,, im crying pathetically juz
bcoz of this... ya la, cn say im childish la..
cry for nonsense reasons..bt hope u undrstnd
tht its been hard for me today... & i cnt
help exploding..

& yup, im talking to you..
my GD GD friend..my close friend..
or shall i say the best of my friends..
whom i cn say who knws me well,bt
still unsure if i knw her..better...
& to my fellow 2nd flautist...
sigh...ya, i knw ive been cold
to you during full band... i snapped..
& im sorry.....

sigh...im alone... T-T i din knw
my days will be dull frm now onwards..
barely to have family..barely to have
friends..all i have is my dull self..
somebody save me frm this melancholy..
hopefully itll be you....

Labels: thank you..i finally let it out..