today is upsetting..

I PROMISE TO MYSELF THAT I WON'T CRY ANYMORE!!!!

...why?..

why still tears keep coming out frm my eyes..?

i can bear all this pain alone, i wont even need ur help!! these are the things that are hard to say..

but father, hope u understand what im feeling..

today felt like THAT STUPID SOMETHING FROM MY THROAT REALLY IRRITATES ME!!! thts why rushed through decision tht ill go to doctor,, bt today's clinic is closed!! so ws insisting going to the near hospital.. bt my father wont juz let me go..

yup, i need money, tht is why my father dont intend on letting me go.. it felt like he ws never concerned about me.. then kept blaming me,, why i have the feeling tht am having now..

"its better if you all go home"
"you just got difficulties in studies, ur brain doesnt handle schools here"
"because you don;t eat vegetables, thats why,,"
"you even r lazy to drink your medicine"
"you don't know how much it costs to be hospitalized"
"your mom is sick, and u also, u better all go home"
"if that burdens you a lot, just quit school"

and this is the most painful...

"I don't want to see you playing flute anymore!, quit!"

and i ws like.. just like that?? wth.. its like you've taken my happiness.. for me music is the only medicine that can cure me..! i felt reali depressed when he told me that.. so cried until my eyes swollen..

if this ws the result of my test.. i may have thyroid problem instead of blood.. yah, i knw, it affects my swallowing and breathing, and even my concentration in class.. but he just can't take wht i've been working hard for all the way! my happiness, i'll be might as well as dead.. w/o my regular dose of music..

mybe am just addicted to it.. but its just hard to quit, especially tht i hve made many friends.. thts whts important to me..

so i promised myself to bear with it just for now.. i'll just pray tht all of this would just go away..

"okay i will not complain!, not a word from me now.."
"u don't care about me so i also don't care"
" i know i've done alot of mistakes, its not your fault if im going thru this"
"just leave me happy with what i am today"

bt someday i know i won't be telling these kind of things.. because i want to live on.. im enjoying!! i pray tht i would be healthy and ready for school tomorrow.. i would have fun! pls. give me a chance.. hope the sun will shine bright tomorrow!! =')