yesterday ws reali terrifying.. ws smsing wif hei mun bck thn whn suddenly my hands were trembling, and i can hardly breath.. my heart beats so fast and i dunno why..i ran to mOm at the kitchen, told thm tht i cnnot properly breathe, thn all the house gt panicked agen bcOz of me!! ahhh!!! thn, my mOm ws trying to feed me, bt i juz cnt, i felt like vomiting myself..ran to the bed, tightly hugged my bolster (as if it could help?) im reali crazy lah, i need air!! and y wud i squeeze my chest by hugging a bolster? aiyOuu.. juz realized nw, and ws laughing to myself.. i ws reali overacting bck thn lah, bt i cudnt help it, knwing tht, ur out of breath and certain things cum up in ur head like death!! bt by tht case, i ws nt kidding lah, i cnt breathe, and the thump on my chest wont stop pounding! it ws horrible lah,, i din hv asthma in the 1st place.. mOm and dad ws worried abt me, bt thy hv to go work.. thn this thing came into my mind.. (u love ur work more thn ur daughter's life..!?) sumthing like tht, thn i ws like in somber, reali trying to kill myself lah ryt?!! bt bck thn i cnnot explain wat juz hd happened.. its like sumthing lah, u cnt help to stop urself frm doin.. u want to live longer, bt ur hopeless, sumthing like tht.. and i ws thinking all of the pain i hd, my stomache, bladder, whtevr, the research and awareness of certain disease tht i my hv, the poison.. and i ws thinking of my friends, family, my sistr, and evryone tht juz goes into my mind.. its crazy lah, bt juz sharing wht i felt..haha i ws worried abt myself, wht wud be my future if i were sent to heaven by tht tym, (my thinking is terrible ryt?) and i ws actin like wht ive seen in the dramas tht i watchd.. as my sistr ws there by my side.. she's v nervous lah, thn (i ws trying to laugh, bt it doesnt mke sense) ur dying and u still laugh? wth!! she alwys mke sure if i still breathe.. thn i ws like (oh, im near to my end) haha!! thn ws telling my sis, "wt if i stopped breathing?, wht will you do?" thn she answered, "ur talking nonsense" (she gt a point) bt she nv gt any serious thn wt ive asked.. she alwys kids wif me, evn, am so in the 'dying' case..haha! she peeled a fruit for me, i dunno wht its called, and ate it, it feels better lah, bt the more i stopped eating, the more i feel nauseatic-(if theres a word) bcoz i din eat anythin for dinner, i ws famished thru the night.. bt kind mama cooked noodles for me aftr she came frm work, and i ws reali happy deh, and ws a bit full, bcoz i din finishd it.. heee!! see am so troublesome! i want to thank her bt, it ws juz on the tip of my tongue.. i cnnot say it.. bt i wish she knws wht i meant whn i look innocently to her eyes! haha.. went to sleep and great! ws reali nt feeling well deh, so yah, cudnt sleep last night! i almost din miss the toilet! yah, i evrydy don miss my toilet!! i dunno y i juz go in, with nth cuming out, thn yah crap!!, the reason y i cudnt sleep at all!!..

ws early in the morning, i ws feeling a bit dizzy.. mom, brought me foOd.. and also i din finishd it..rushed thru the clinic whn the clock points at 8, thn told evrything tht happened!! the doctor ws confused abt me, so mny problms tht i hd!! i ws to take urine sample agen, and blood test.. as she cudnt knw my case, she wants me to tke a general check-up.. for my thyroid (a part tht controlls body changes if am correct) - bcoz i hvnt gained weight since last year!!!! ahhh!! still 39! and i dunno why it nv increased for the past year.. ahm, nxt ws kidney - as am suffering for the burning pain in urination! lastly ws heart whch i worry abt.. and mybe its far to hve defects frm there bt am afraid also.. if i hve heart problms, my mom wudnt let me join band!! and i dun want to leave band..!! its part of my life by nw..

went for blood test, and the doctor ws to tke blood frm me!!! thn the doctor said, " r u scared?" and i ws like no reaction evn though i saw the long pointed needle punching in directly to my vein.. its my life tht im trying to save! wif the help of the doctor ofcourse.. theres no turning bck for me! and theres mny othr worst case othr thn injecting, theres surgery and all tht.. its ws a piece of cake bt, i felt like am gtting weaker lah, aftr all the blood tht i saw frm me!! ahhh!!!... the results will be out on monday.. i cnt wait lah, i wnt to knw if i hv problm or wht..am so happy! yet am still scared..

bt today, different me lah!!, i ws like givn hope, bcoz i existed this day..thnks Lord! ^^ bt whnvr i cme blogging this kind of moment in my life, the song "rainbow" by south border juz gives glow to my day.. "there's a rainbow always aftr the rain".. i believe tht.. its juz trials aftrall!! i cn make it!!! ^^ i alwys get to see a rainbow in my country whn i ws still there.. bt hir.. i dunno, i cnt seem to find one.. myb bcoz of buildings standing tall across the sky.. and the sun doesnt seem to shine evn if its drizzling.. so thts why cnt reali mke a rainbow.. i miss the rainbow.. hOpe i cn find one here sumday...